Why Chill Girls are the Worst

I distinctly remember my first date with Clayton Kimbrough. He met me for lunch at a little sandwich shop in Cleveland, Ohio.

I wanted to order a salad, or a vegetarian sandwich, but seeing that Clayton was a dude, and was from the great state of Texas, I wanted to impress him. I didn’t want him to know on our first date that I was vegetarian. I feared he would think I was one of the “salad girl types.”

So, when he offered me a bite of his bacon infested sandwich I not only took a bite, but I proceeded to tell him I loved it. (I hate bacon.)

He later on found out and still tells that story to friends. Its funny now, but looking back I really was trying to change who I was to impress him.

Mixed Messages:

Girls get so many mixed messages when it comes to getting the guy. We hear don’t order a salad on the first date. Show him your appetite, get the hamburger!

Don’t get too attached. Don’t show your emotions. Don’t text him first. Don’t pursue him. Be sexy, AND love sports. Don’t wear too much make-up or heels, you don’t want to come off as high maintenance. Don’t ask too many questions. Be more laid back.

All of this advice is enough to make a girl’s head spin.

Changing:

This whole chill girl thing goes far beyond ordering a salad on a date. It’s about girls who change their whole identities to please a man

We hide who we are as women for fear we will appear “too girly.” You never see a man pretending to be into shopping, and emotions just to get the girl.

As girls we need to stop changing ourselves just to get the guy. It’s ok to not drink beer, its ok, to have feelings and actually like someone beyond sleeping with them.

Needing to define the relationship is ok.

All of these messages have turned some of us girls into laid back terrible versions of ourselves, who basically have an opinion about nothing.

Bitches:

The last thing we have to stop doing as girls, is hating on each other. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve heard these words come out of a girl’s mouth:

“I hate girls they are the WORST.” I can only hang with guys, because girls are BITCHES.” “Guys are like way easier to hang out with, there’s just no drama.”

This simply isn’t true. Yes, some girls are bitches, and yes some girls are hard to hang out with, but not all of us.

I have mostly girlfriends, because that’s who I genuinely feel comfortable around.

Bottomline: Always, always be yourself. Don’t change who you are, or what you like for a dude. Don’t pretend. They will eventually find out. If you have feelings for a guy, and he doesn’t like you back, have the courage to move on. Don’t pretend you don’t have feelings just to please him. You hurt only yourself in the end.

If you are a girl and have a bad experience with a few girls, please don’t ruin it for the rest of us, we’re not all that bad. I promise. 😉

I Have a Boyfriend, but Tonight I’m Going on a Date

I’m standing outside my cramped closet at the moment, having a mini panic attack. What the heck am I gonna wear tonight?

We are just getting drinks at a local bar, so I shouldn’t dress up too much. Ok, I’ll go with a sundress and wedge heels. Shit, that’s too dressy. What about a crop top and mini skirt? Ugh, too revealing to wear when meeting for the first time.

I give up. *Panic Washes over Me Like A Tidal Wave and My Pits Start to Sweat Profusely*  Who cares about clothes? What in the world are we going to talk about? What if this person doesn’t like me, or thinks I’m stuck up. Oh God. I can’t go. I’m texting her right now to cancel.

I bet right up until this point you thought I was talking about a guy. Gotcha! I’m not. The conversation you just read is a sample of what I go through every time I go to hang out with a new friend.

Awkward Turtle:

Three months ago when I moved from Ohio to Florida, I didn’t know a soul. Ok, well technically I knew my boyfriend and his friends. And, I’ll give a quick shout out to his Navy buddies-they are great guys, and a blast to be around, but I’m in some serious need of estrogen in my life.

I thought it would be easy to make friends in a new city. I’m outgoing enough and love meeting new people, can’t be that hard right? I was shocked to discover that it’s a bit more difficult that I originally thought.

Let’s start with meeting new girlfriends. Like I said, I’m surrounded by dudes like 90% of the time, so this makes it a little intimidating for girls to approach me. And in a bar scene people aren’t out to make friends. They are usually out with friends they already have, or they are looking for a hook-up.

So, what next next? If you’re lucky you can meet new friends at work, or networking events. This has actually worked in my favor. I’ve been very lucky. I have already met a few wonderful girls, who I know I’ll be friends with for a long time.

But, much like dating how do you get a new friends number? It’s so awkward! Do you wait until you’ve know the person for a few weeks or months? Once you get their number do you ask them to hang out first, or is that needy?

Do you ask them to get drinks or coffee? As you can see, this world is not easy to navigate at all.

Vulnerable:

For me, it all boils down to being a little insecure. Back in Ohio, I’ve had some of my friends since childhood. They know everything about me. My dysfunctional past, my extreme awkwardness in most social situations and so on.

My new friends don’t know about any of this stuff, and it’s scary to open up to so many new people. What if they don’t like me? What if they don’t like the way I choose to dress or talk? I often worry that the new people I meet won’t understand me.

I think that to some extent, this is what we all go through when meeting new people. It’s hard. It’s awkward. And sometimes painful to open up your life to people you barely know.

But, despite all of that, I’m here to say-IT’S SO WORTH IT. In the few months I’ve been in Florida, I’ve met some incredibly awesome people, I’m happy to call my friends.

So, be awkward, meet new people, open up. You’ll be amazed to see what happens.

Stop Telling Me How to Feel

I cried the day after Clayton left for his first 2 week deployment. Big rain drop tears poured from my eyes. I missed him, and was afraid of what it would be like to be alone in a strange city.

Everyone’s reactions to those first few sentences will be completely different. Some people will empathize with me, while others will begin to tell me how much worse their situation is compared to mine. I’ve experienced both.

Today, I want to discuss what it feels like when someone dismisses the way I feel, and decides to tell me how I should feel instead.

I try my hardest to keep my head high and not act sad when Clayton is gone, but some days are harder than others. I’m a very open person, and have no problem sharing my feelings with people. Unfortunately, I’ve often received an unhealthy response when I share my feelings. In the military community especially, I’ve noticed wives, fiances and girlfriends trying to one up each other. Not sure what that means?

Let me give you an example. A conversation might go something like this:

Me: “I’m having a really hard time with Clayton being gone for these two weeks.”

Other person: “Really, it’s only two weeks! That’s nothing. When my husband/boyfriend/fiance was gone, I was pregnant with triplets, had pneumonia, my house flooded, my dog died, and I was robbed at gun point.”

Me: “Oh. Well, I guess my situation is NOT that bad.”

Ok. So, obviously this conversation is very exaggerated, but my point remains the same. When someone immediately dismisses how I feel, without taking the time to simply listen it hurts. I mean what am I supposed to say after a conversation like that?

If a person genuinely opens up to you about what they are going through, it’s never ok to dismiss that person’s feelings.

We are all different people with different problems and struggles. What’s hard for me is not going to be hard for you, and vice versa.

Empathize not Sympathize:

The military community is not the only place I’ve seen this happen. I’ve seen it happen to people struggling through divorce, cancer, and mental illness.

As humans, we are always looking for ways to relate to others. I don’t believe that people mean any harm when they tell me about how much worse their experiences are than mine. I just don’t think they know how to react to someone sharing their feelings as freely as I do.

To me, this is a slight problem in our society. By no means, am I saying that we should all sit around on mats in a yoga studio sharing our every thought and feeling with each other.

But, what needs to happen is empathy. When I share how I am feeling about Clayton being gone, I am not looking for someone to pity me or feel sorry for me (sympathy). I am simply looking for someone to say, “I understand what you are going through, I hear you, it does get better. (empathy).

You and Me:

Americans in general are tough. We bounce back from tragedy, and work hard. But, we also don’t take care of ourselves and each other the way we should.

Even though it’s the 21st century, we are still a very guarded, judgmental bunch. People don’t feel free to express their struggles, especially when it comes to the way we feel. We constantly hide what we are going through, in fear that others will judge us.

We need to cut that shit out. Just because I cry sometimes, doesn’t make me weak. Just because I express my feelings openly, doesn’t make me a whiner.

I’m far from perfect, and I have a lot to learn myself. We need to stop telling each other how to feel, and simply start listening. 

 

I’m Dying My Hair Purple

Yesterday, I went to see the movie, The Other Woman. I was in the theater when my phone started to light up. I quickly found the exit sign and left. Clayton was calling me.

If you are in a military relationship you understand the importance of always having your phone near you. Heck, I even keep the phone with me while I’m in the bathroom. (Don’t judge! You never know when they are going to call, and they ALWAYS seem to call at the most inconvenient times.)

Anyways, I hadn’t talked to Clayton in a few days and was excited to finally hear from him.

Clayton is on a mini deployment (not sure what the right term is for what he was doing, but I call it a mini deployment) for two weeks. He was supposed to be home yesterday. But, because of complications with the plane bringing him home, I quickly learned he wouldn’t be home until today.

Roller Coaster:

When I found out he wouldn’t be making it home, I was faced with a few options.

1. I could cry profusely.

2. I could keep working like normal, and pretend nothing happened.

3. I could exercise. (def, didn’t happen.)

4. I could drink.

5. I could dye my hair and get bangs.

6. I could see a terrible chick flick to make me feel better.

I decided to do numbers 5 and 6. I’m not sure why girls feel the need to change their hair when things go wrong, but I did walk out of that salon feeling a lot better.

IMG_1527
These are my new bangs, and my, “Would the Navy please return my boyfriend?” face.

Coming Home:

So, let’s fast forward to today. I was on Facebook, and saw a post from one of Clayton’s buddies about there being a storm in the Bahamas that would keep them from coming home. Again, I am faced with choices on how to react.

My first reaction is writing this blog, and then later today heading over to a dear friends house to make rice crispies.

This is my awesome friend Whitney, who is letting me crash at her place!
This is my awesome friend Whitney, who is letting me crash at her place!

What I really feel like doing is, crying/screaming/swearing/acting crazy. But, ya know what does that really do? I could go change my hair again?! Hmm…purple highlights anyone?

But, please dear Navy, bring my boyfriend home before I do anything drastic with my hair…..

Yes, all women are in danger

I like to run at night. I’ve always had a hard time getting up early enough to squeeze in a morning run.

Something about running at night is peaceful. No one is out, I don’t get hollered, harassed, or honked at.

In all the years I’ve been running at night, I’ve been told not to. I’ve been told I shouldn’t run at night because I might get taken or raped.

Sometimes when I’m running at night I let my mind wander. I start to think about what might happen if someone did grab me. After contemplating this thought for a few minutes, I quickly brush it off and keep running.

Too Sexy:

Running at night is not the only thing I have been told not to do because I am a woman.

I’ve been told not to bend over at work because the men are checking out my ass.

I’ve been told not wear short skirts, shorts or low cut tops because I might “tempt” or “turn on” a man.

I’ve been told to not walk alone at night.

I’ve been told not to travel by myself.

I never thought too much into these instructions, until I was introduced to the #yesallwomen. The hash tag includes many women’s personal stories of harassment and misogyny. It resulted because of a young man in California that made the decision to murder a few women because he was not getting sex or receiving their attention. *He also murdered men as well, and I certainly do not want to discount that fact. 

But, this story brings to light the suffering many women in our current society are forced to silently endure.

I don’t want to live in a world, where I am afraid to go for a run at night, or travel by myself.

I don’t think it’s crazy to wish for a world devoid of violence.

I don’t want to bring my daughter into a world like that.

Speak Out: 

This hash tag and conversation are empowering for women. I will continue to not run at night, and I will continue to watch what I wear, but I’m here to say, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO.

I dream of the day, where women no longer have to live their lives in fear.

As I write this I must admit, that even I have a hard time imagining a world without violence against women. A world in which women are not objects.

I really don’t have any answers, but I do believe it is my responsibility as a blogger and female to get this conversation started.

It’s not ok for women to live their lives in fear of violence or harassment.

You’ve taken the first step towards fixing all of this. You took the time to read this blog post. If you like what I wrote, please share it and start a conversation about violence against women and why it needs to stop.

Like I said, I’m not sure how to stop the violence, or horrible attitudes people hold about women, but I do believe there are enough good people in the world to change the negativity.

*Oh, and I also should say that I am aware #notallmen are like this. There are many wonderful men in the world, who treat women with dignity and respect, and who put their lives on the line to protect all of us.

In fact, I know of three. I have to give a shout out to Clayton Kimbrough, Chris Foldesy, and my brother John Graw. They are three of the most selfless, wonderful men I’ve ever met.

They serve others and their country on a daily basis. I’m blessed to have them in my life.

Happy Memorial Day!

Cockroach In My Shower

I’ve learned a lot over the three short months that I’ve lived in Florida. My life changed over night. I moved in with my boyfriend, started a life in another state, got a new job, and moved out on my own all in one weekend.

I think I’ve adjusted fairly well to all of the growing up I’ve had to do in the last few months. Only a few meals have been burnt, and I’ve missed just one bill payment. In my mind, that’s not too bad. I am actually a fully functioning adult.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened in my shower this morning.

It’s Thursday, and so naturally I’m dragging a little. I’m ready for the long weekend. So, I pulled my lazy butt out of bed and decided to actually wash my hair this morning. (Normally, it’s dry shampoo all the way.) Anyways, I’m half awake in the shower when I look to my right and I see something enormous crawling towards me! It was a cockroach. A huge effing cockroach, in my shower!

I did what any normal female would do, and grabbed my towel, with shampoo still in my hair and jumped out of the shower screaming. I didn’t know what to do, so the thing is still in my bathroom. I didn’t dare go back into the bathroom! Needless to say, I didn’t event get to brush my teeth this a.m. Oh well!

What should I do?! Up North we just have a problem with ants, not cockroaches! How do you get rid of these things?

Day In the Life of a Milso

I would say that most of the time, being in a military relationship is really no different than anyone else in a monogamous relationship. We go out, fight, make-up and live our lives just like everyone else.

But, things change a little when they go on deployments. Clayton is currently away in the Bahamas for two weeks. I told myself when he left two weeks was no big deal. Boy, was I wrong. When your significant other is completely out of reach and you are in a state far away from your hometown,things can get pretty hard.

I was not prepared for the wave of emotions I would experience with him being gone. I’ve never been the type to cry, but now I’ve found myself having to leave public places because I start crying! WTH?!

There are two ways I can deal with the time spent apart. One is humor-you have to find funny things in every day life to get you through the long days apart. My other coping mechanism is blogging/communicating.

I have to put a disclaimer on this blog: Most of the time, I try and not judge people I really like to be gracious and open minded. But, like I said deployments mess with your head sometimes.

That said, nothing seems to bug me more than overly touchy feely couples in public! And yesterday I could not escape them. Watch the link below to hear more:

Ok, I get it your one of the few females who found a male willing to pay for you to get your nails done. Great. No body else cares, especially when you refer to the man as your sugar daddy. EHH!

And lastly, holding hands while getting a pedicure together is not cute. It’s cute to hold hands while walking down the street or sitting in a restaurant. But, while you’re getting a pedicure! Pretty sure neither of you is going anywhere!

Anyways, if you watched my video and read this blog, thank you! I am in a very interesting and challenging time in my life right now. Deployments may be hard, but I wouldn’t trade my life or experiences for anything.

If you like what you read, stay tune for more. I’m gonna try and post some more things Milso’s go through during deployments!

The support of my blog readers and followers means the world to me!

Thanks for reading!